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Post by The Machine on Mar 8, 2004 14:36:39 GMT -5
OK people. This is the jokes thread. Post every funny joke you can think of. No rules here: jokes about ANYTHING, long or short.
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Post by Adam on Mar 11, 2004 13:36:28 GMT -5
Q: What is the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
A: I dont have a Cadillac in my garage.
Offensive joke of the day.
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Post by Sanders on Mar 11, 2004 13:54:35 GMT -5
More like offensive joke of 1999.....
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Post by The Machine on Mar 11, 2004 14:55:23 GMT -5
Whoa hoah!!! The joke thread was kicked off with a dead baby joke. ;D We are all going to hell. Keep 'em coming people. I'll have one soon enough... Q: What is the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? A: I dont have a Cadillac in my garage. Offensive joke of the day.
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Post by Sanders on Mar 11, 2004 15:24:48 GMT -5
HOLE IN ONE
There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise. The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"
They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"
12- PACK
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
350 POUNDER?
What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
Broke!
A FEW GOOD LAWYERS
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
A LITTLE TESTY
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.
ACT OF GOD
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"
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Post by Adam on Mar 17, 2004 18:37:03 GMT -5
A pilot crash lands in the middle of a jungle, as he gets out of his plane he see's he's surrounded by a tribe of headhunters. He says out loud, "god I'm screwed." He hears a voice from somewhere, the voice says "No your not.. "!! "Who are you?" The pilot asks. "I'm god." "What do I do god?" "Grab the spear from the nearest tribesman and shove it through the cheifs heart." So the pilot grabs the spear and shoves it right through the chief's heart. "Now what god?" The pilot asks. god replies, "NOW... your screwed!"
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sunnidelight
Official aEstyrian
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Posts: 79
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Post by sunnidelight on Mar 23, 2004 21:20:33 GMT -5
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on her head? A: All you can eat under a buck.
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Post by The Machine on Mar 23, 2004 21:46:14 GMT -5
Q: What do you get when you cross a monkey with a llama, and breed its offspring with a horse, and take that little bundle of joy and cross it with a hyena. THEN you take that, and cross it with a salamanders ugly ass?
A: Your mom.
Ba dum ching!
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sunnidelight
Official aEstyrian
FOSHIZZLE MY NIZZLE!!
Posts: 79
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Post by sunnidelight on Mar 23, 2004 22:19:38 GMT -5
One day, three moms got together ( a blonde mom, a brunette and a red head), and were looking in their daughter's purses. The brunette looks in her daughter's purse and found cigarettes. To this she exclaimed: "Oh my god! I didn't know my daughter smoked!" Then the red head looks in her daughter's purse and finds alcohol. To which she yells "Oh my god! I didn't know my daughter drank! She's only 15!" Then the blonde mom looks in her daughter's purse and finds a condom to which she says, suprised, "Oh my god! I didn't know my daughter had a penis!"
Now thats funny!!!
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Post by The Machine on Mar 24, 2004 8:06:50 GMT -5
Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands:
IRELAND “Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”
FRANCE “Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”
ITALY “Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”
POLAND “Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”
GERMANY “Is this bratwurst kosher?”
TURKEY “Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”
KOREA “Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”
CHINA “This wall isn’t so great.”
ENGLAND “Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”
SWEDEN “Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”
YEMEN “Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”
INDIA “You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”
ETHIOPIA “After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”
CANADA “You’re like Americans without money.”
SPAIN “So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”
SOUTH AFRICA “I liked it better the other way.”
MEXICO “What's that smell?”
SAUDI ARABIA “Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”
RUSSIA “Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”
UZBEKISTAN “Can you spell Uzbekistan?”
GREECE “I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN “Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”
JAPAN “What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”
AUSTRALIA “How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”
AMERICA “Was John Wayne gay?”
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Post by Keebs on Mar 24, 2004 15:05:49 GMT -5
ETHIOPIA “After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!” That is the most terrible and hilarious thing I have ever heard......today.
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Post by The Machine on Apr 2, 2004 11:37:31 GMT -5
Riding in Cars With Boys
Three boys were sitting on some steps watching cars go by. They see a Cadillac Escalade drive by and the first boy says, "I wish i could have that Cadillac. The second boy says, "I wish I could have that Lincoln Navigator behind it. The third boy says, "i wish my whole body was covered in curly hair because my sister has a small patch between her legs and that is how she got both of those cars.
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sunnidelight
Official aEstyrian
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Posts: 79
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Post by sunnidelight on Jun 13, 2004 21:59:26 GMT -5
"What's Your Name?"
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted.
"What's your name?" he asked her.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"
"Beerpussy," the man replied.
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sunnidelight
Official aEstyrian
FOSHIZZLE MY NIZZLE!!
Posts: 79
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Post by sunnidelight on Jun 13, 2004 22:12:58 GMT -5
Supersex
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex! Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her.
He finally answered, "I'll take the soup." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Post by The Machine on Jun 15, 2004 13:24:39 GMT -5
Supersex A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex! Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. He finally answered, "I'll take the soup." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HA! That's me when I am 90 years old: who needs sex when you can have soup? That's what I would say anyway...
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